I have decided that birthdays are actually very useful. Not because of the cake, presents, candles, or whatever motivational message people put on Instagram about another trip around the sun.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
They are useful because they give you a very simple way to review your friendships. Not scientifically, obviously. I am not sitting at home with a clipboard and a spreadsheet.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Although, maybe I should. Because if you are one of my close friends and you do not wish me happy birthday, I have questions. Not angry questions. Administrative questions.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Questions like, “What exactly are we doing here?”<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I am not talking about some random person I spoke to twice in 2018. That person is safe. I don’t expect the man who sold me a phone case once to remember the day I was born.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I’m talking about the people who call themselves my friends.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
The people who know what I do for work. The people who know who I like, what annoys me, what I am currently obsessed with, what I complain about, and probably what I had for lunch last Tuesday.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
But my birthday?<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Nothing.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Silence.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Suddenly my birth is classified information. And I know what some of you are going to say.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
“People forget birthdays.” Yes, I know.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
People forget birthdays. People forget passwords. People forget where they parked their car. People walk into a room and immediately forget why they are there.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
It happens.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
But there is something slightly funny about someone remembering every insignificant detail about your life while somehow losing the date on which you entered it.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
And I’m not asking for much. I don’t need fireworks. I don’t need a five-paragraph message about how much my existence has changed your life.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I don’t need a cake delivered by helicopter. Just say happy birthday. That is it.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Two words.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
And if you want to get fancy, you can even add my name. I would be impressed. \ud83d\ude02<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Now, this is where things get serious.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Because if you are close to me and you forgot my birthday, I might initially defend you.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Maybe you were busy. Maybe your phone exploded. Maybe you were stuck in traffic the entire day. Maybe a goat ate your calendar.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Fine.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I am a reasonable person. But then I see you were online.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Oh, interesting. You had time to like somebody’s post. You had time to upload a story. You had time to repost a meme about being tired of people. You had time to watch my story. My birthday story, specifically.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
And yet somehow the words “happy birthday” were too difficult to produce.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
At this point, we are no longer dealing with forgetfulness.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
We are entering evidence territory.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I don’t make the rules. The evidence makes the rules. Then comes the most embarrassing part. I start remembering everything. Not because I want to, but because my brain has apparently decided that this is the moment to become a private investigator.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I start thinking about your birthday. Did I wish you? Yes.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Did I remember it without Facebook screaming at me? Yes.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Did I send you a proper message? Yes.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Did I even try to make you feel special Unfortunately, yes.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
And now you are telling me you could not type four letters and a word?<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Now I have to reconsider things.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
This is where I become extremely mature.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I don’t fight, I don’t send a dramatic paragraph. I don’t ask, “Why didn’t you wish me?” Absolutely not.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I simply disappear. Quietly, Professionally.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Like a government office after 5 p.m.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
You will notice that I no longer remember your birthday.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
You will notice that I no longer reply with unnecessary enthusiasm.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
You will notice that I have moved you from “close friend” to “person I know.”<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Maybe even “person I know from somewhere.”<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
And if you ask what happened, I will probably say, “Nothing.”<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Because technically nothing happened.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
You just failed the world’s easiest friendship exam. And there is no retest.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Now, before anyone accuses me of being petty, let me make something clear.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Yes, I am being petty.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Obviously.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
That is the whole point.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
This is not a serious proposal for how society should function.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
We should not be forming governments around birthday wishes.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
No one should be sentenced to friendship exile because they missed one date.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
But I do think there is something funny about how much meaning we attach to tiny acts of effort.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Sometimes it is not the birthday itself.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
It is the thought behind it. You remembered. That’s the nice part.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
And when someone you consider close forgets, especially when you have remembered theirs year after year, it can make you wonder whether you have been keeping a friendship alive with one hand while the other person is casually holding the door open for you to leave.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Or maybe they genuinely forgot. Maybe it means absolutely nothing. Maybe I am overthinking a two-word message.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
That is probably the sensible explanation.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Unfortunately, this is not a sensible post.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
This is about a birthday.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
And on birthdays, apparently, I become an unreasonable little dictator with access to a block button.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
So yes, if you are close to me and you forget my birthday, I may have to reconsider our relationship.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Don’t worry.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I’m not saying we’re enemies.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
I’m saying you’re being moved to the lower division.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
You can still send me memes.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
You can still ask how I am.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
You can still react to my stories.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
But the VIP friendship package has been cancelled.<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
Thank you for your understanding. And please don’t contact me regarding appeals. The decision is final. Unless, of course, you remember my birthday next year. Then we can talk.<\/p>\r\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have decided that birthdays are actually very useful. Not because of the cake, presents, candles, or whatever motivational message people put on Instagram about another trip around the sun. They are useful because they give you a very simple way to review your friendships. Not scientifically, obviously. I am not sitting at home with […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":159,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"slim_seo":{"title":"I Think Forgetting My Birthday Is How You Get Demoted","description":"I have decided that birthdays are actually very useful. Not because of the cake, presents, candles, or whatever motivational message people put on Instagram abo"},"_slim_seo_primary_term_category":3,"_slim_seo_primary_term_post_tag":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-158","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-i-think"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=158"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":162,"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/158\/revisions\/162"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/159"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=158"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=158"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/unheard.me\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=158"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}